Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Weirdly Wednesday.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Inside you there are two wolves
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–