Siri, fight Alexa.

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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men


[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?


Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad


Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife


Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.


cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap




me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot


me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again


Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.