“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
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“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
What fresh Hell is this?!?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
According to math, I’m broke
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another