@XplodingUnicorn Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
@LindaInDisguise Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@FrilentMusic “Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
@naazihah Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
@envydatropic Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
@TitansHomer Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
@wendchymes Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
@_emilyoram Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
@NeinQuarterly No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
@Fun_Beard Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
@ThisLocalHater Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.