Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
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Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse