Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.