Siri: Retweet me.
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
2 years later
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
only 11 steps left
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Well, this explains it:
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?