Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
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I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Word.
~ Microsoft.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.