SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand