“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*