Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
We have a winner.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.