Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
The news
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My typo game is string.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format