Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.