Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US


timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge


After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.


I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.


Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers


I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.


Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.


Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.


Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?


BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.