“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
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“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
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“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
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Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.