Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
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Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season