Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
oh u like geography? name every lake
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.