SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
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I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.