Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
OKAY DAD
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.