@GianDoh

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

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@Aspersioncast

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

@niceboydotcom

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

@noog

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

@brycoo

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

@saltymermaident

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

@kevinthedad

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

@SCbchbum

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

@mjkspeaks

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.