Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
You Might Also Like
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me