Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
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HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Best spoiler warning ever
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.