[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
What the dentist sees
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.