[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
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“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.