@SvnSxty cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
@Fred_Delicious *sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
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@SvnSxty 
@_sinistroll ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
@LurkAtHomeMom OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
@causticbob Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
@mstern68 I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
@CruisinSoozan The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
@msdanifernandez I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
@AmberTozer [Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
@AlexReekie Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
@Paxochka I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.