*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Phonetics
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
🤣😈🤣
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
had to share :’)
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?