cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
“$200 every 4 months”
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ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.
“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[Calls an ex]
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.