*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house