[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
You Might Also Like
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.