[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
😏😏😏
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I can’t stop watching this.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I am having an out of money experience.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”