[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
meow
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit