*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Hey I worked for it too!
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
liiiiiiiiike
I have no passwords left in me
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Selfie
good morning
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.