sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
What’s a Messi?
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
