Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
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Me if I was a dog
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother