[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Has there ever been a more American story?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good