sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
need him
remember
only for emergencies
