*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.