[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
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When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US