@QwertyJones3 People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
@UnFitz Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
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@QwertyJones3 
@GrowlyGrego *wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
@sammontgomery Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
@kimtopher22 Fidel Castro was alive?
@PaulyPeligroso Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
@dulcetry [Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
@panmidwest ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
@stuckinaportal [we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
@1Happytwit My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
@dadinabearsuit Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere