sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
You Might Also Like
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Do not steal food from the science building!
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.