*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
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when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Am getting real tired of your crap…
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber