Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
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My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Date: so you were married twice before?
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
a god among men