[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

You Might Also Like


Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ


My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.


Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long


Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults


my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards


An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.


PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks





PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now


[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”