@smerobin Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
@jojipaints [sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
You Might Also Like
@smerobin 
@memesiwish My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
@abbycohenwl Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
@bewgtweets Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
@seamussaid my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
@daddygofish An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
@MarfSalvador me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
@Home_Halfway PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
@david8hughes [over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
@SonderLawliet a god among men
