[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
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If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
So inspired right now.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”