Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
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Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.