Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
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Had to try this trend 😊
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me driving through Toronto
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box