[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
smh
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)