Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
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[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
so i’m at the stock market right
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.