Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
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[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
You can’t rush stupid.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.