Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
You Might Also Like
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.