Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
January has been Januweary
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on