“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
incredible book dedication
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.