Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling