Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
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[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend