Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.