SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
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my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.